Battle of the double X chromosomes…

26 10 2010

This is a post that has been weighing on me for while now.  I am certain it’s not going to come across eloquent or well crafted because what comes from my heart is seldom put together in a nice tidy round and polished package.

I am more into the whole blogging/tweeting/social networking thing now than I ever have been before.  I am reading more, being read more and getting to know other women out there in the interwebs more than I ever have before.  Because of this, I see more opinions, more arguments and more complete arrogance and more attitudes of superiority than I ever knew were out there.

I now firmly believe that this whole social networking thing is both equal parts blessing and curse.   A blessing, of course, because people who need support, help, comfort and a general feeling of being propped up at the darkest of times can find it just by turning on their computer.  And that???  That is awesome.  I know I have women out there that I have grown very fond of.  Some of them don’t even know I exist.  Women like Maria, Becky, Anissa,  and Brittany among several others. There are also women that I’m actually getting to know and it’s a two-way street rather than me admiring them from afar like the previously mentioned. Women like Stacey and of course, my dear Brooke.

That is the awesome part of this whole thing. Awesome. For real. The blessing.

There are times, though, that the awesome just seems to get drowned out by the voices shrieking out “YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!!!!” I find this so heart wrenching. There are battles being waged out there that I didn’t even know about until I started to get more active and expanding out into the interwebs to actually see what people had to say. And you know what? Women are so critical of each other. Every woman knows, this, of course. However, it always used to be contained to your friends, your neighbors and your acquaintances… the ones that are outside the screen we sit in front of now. It seemed smaller. And friendlier. Two close friends having a conversation about their opinions and methods and perspectives was something to be cherished and was almost always done lovingly and with kindness.

Now, we women, we sit behind these screens and we put our fingers to the keys and feel… I don’t know… self-important enough and qualified enough to judge how others live their lives, raise their children, cook their food and buy their groceries. And again the cries resound of “YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!!”

I am not a mother. I pray everyday that I will be one at some point. It is my most aching desire. I don’t know if I ever will or if I even CAN for that matter. So it pains me when I see mothers going head to head. Criticizing each other for choices made in the best interest of one’s own children. Breastfeed vs. Formula – Immunize vs. Non-immunize – Home school vs. Outside school – Public school vs. Private school – Spanking vs. Non-spanking… everywhere I turn the arguments are had and the criticisms are levied and it’s not a loving conversation between friends anymore. The computer has made people downright vicious and mean with again the resounding criticism of “YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!”

I can’t imagine that being a parent is easy. I don’t believe any major decision of parenting to be simple. Parents make tough choices everyday about the kind of life, patterns and routines they are going to set up for the little ones they hold most dear and are passionate about protecting. These decisions cannot be made easier when there are a half million other mothers out there who disagree. I do understand that by having a blog and putting your life, your choices and your decisions out there that you risk criticism… almost invite it, even. But to just sit anonymously or even unanonymously behind a computer and spew venom and judgements and insults just doesn’t make sense to me.

It goes beyond parenting, too. I’m fat. I hate being fat. I’m trying or at least wanting to try every day to not stay fat… but just like with the parenting, there are groups out there downright militant about fat acceptance and if you’re one of the fat and want to be thinner for whatever reasons? If you dare to leave the group to do what feels right to you for your life? Those militant groups (and not all of them are militant, but they’re out there) get angry and the cry rings out again… “YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!!”

I think everyone, in general, knows that it’s good to buy local, buy organic and to bake instead of fry. I think everyone knows that it’s good to be environmentally conscious and try to do as much as possible to preserve as much as possible. These options are not always possible and oftentimes very cost prohibitive. It’s just the truth. I can’t always shop at my local market for beef at 4.25 a pound when it’s at the local Giant for 3.05. No, the cows are probably not grain fed, free-range, massaged and then lulled to sleep by an angel’s harp before they are kindly and gently euthanized. But in a life where every paycheck is spent before it’s even earned, not everyone can worry about that. Most people just have to do what they can to get the food on the table and into the bellies of their family so they can sit down at a dinner table together to discuss the day. Sometimes it’s hard to hear, though over the constant droning in the background… “You’re doing it wrong.”

What is WITH us? At what point did it become ok to treat each other this way? And we wonder why some kids are bullies. When you hate on people making decisions that differ from yours and belittle and berate how can you then turn around and publish a post on tolerance and love? I don’t understand why we feel the internet gives us the right to condemn anyone simply for decisions they make in their daily lives.

I want women to support each other, understand each other, agree to disagree on the choices in life and love each other because only we, as women, know what other women go through. A screen and a keyboard can give us the ability to do wonderful things for each other if we’d just stop tearing each other down. End the constant cries of “YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.” and just allow women to do the best they can. That’s all we can ask of each other and it’s all we can ask of ourselves. Doing it differently is not the same as doing it wrong. If your choice is different from mine, that’s all it is. Different. Not wrong. Not better. Just different. If you want to converse about differing opinions, do it as if the person is right there… with you… at the breakfast nook having a cup of tea with you. Bring back the compassion, love and understanding. Those are the greatest natural traits we women have… USE THEM… always.

We need to encourage each other. We are all women. And we’re all just… doing it… the best we can.



4 responses

27 10 2010

I love this post. I generally keep to my little corner of the blogosphere where we're all friends and everyone is supportive even if they disagree for this very reason. I'm old enough to have lost all patience for the kind of behavior you're talking about, so I stay as far away from it as possible. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way!

27 10 2010

YES. *hugs*

(For the record, I love the sentence about the cows being lulled to sleep by Angel Harps. *snort*)

Can we form a “community” of bloggers whose sole motto is “We're doing the best we can”? It's the truth, after all. And I'd rather read a post about loving and accepting each other than about how I should have done x, y and z.

For the record, I cheat when I make fish tacos. I buy frozen, pre-battered fish. AND THEN WARM IT ON A COOKIE SHEET. I SAID IT.

Whew, I feel better.

27 10 2010

YES! YES! We should do it!

You know what? I don't even cook. Ever. So who am I to judge? 🙂 You go on with your bad self and your pre-battered fish.

27 10 2010
Chibi Jeebs

Afreakingmen! You know what else I'd like to see go die in a fire? Oneupmanship (is so a word: hush). Instead of replying to someone's tweet about being tired with “Oh, YEAH?!? Well *IIIII* blah blah asshole blah… ” WHY do people seem physically incapable of saying “I'm sorry – that sucks! Hope you get a good sleep tonight!” Or hell, keep it to yourself, y'know? (I was actually sitting her forming a post about just this when I clicked your link.)

At the end of the day SO much of life boils down to the Golden Rule for me: treat people the way you'd like to be treated. Easy peasy. Not rocket science. Doesn't take a lot of effort, energy, time, or money.

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